So you wanna be entitled? I mean, win a title?

sometimes, you have to be the bad guy. I am going to take the blame for this one and I hope that you all will understand exactly why I am about to say the things I am going to say.

I am not excited about pageants anymore. I cannot seem to get invested. I see people doing the least amount of work, not challenging themselves or the art form. I see recycled costumes, the same wigs, no improvement in make up skills, bored looks on their faces, ungrateful attitudes and a people willing to lower the bar instead of raising it.

How can I get excited? You aren't.

Whose agenda are you furthering? Yours or the system? I mean seriously, if you want a title that has NO responsibility, there are systems and contests popping up all the time. Go do that one. But if you do that has a sisterhood before you and you want to be a part of one after your time is up,  STEP UP TO THE PLATE.

I am DISGUSTED and saddened by the amount of entitlement  that seems to be infecting the Oklahoma systems. You are not OWED a title, you earn one. You are not OWED a booking, you earn one. If you want money, titles and respect, start putting money, back into your drag, treat your titles as a job that you were hired to do.YOU WERE HIRED. That means to get the money and respect that comes with it, you still have to do the job.

• you have to look like royalty
• you must entertain
• you must understand your system

This is a business. Your character, is a small business. When you try to peddle  a Catch as a Coach, we all know the difference. So why are you trying to sell me a knock off? If you are not investing in quality for your small business, you will get exactly what you have invested in the way of support.

Pageants used to crown the best of the best. And now they crown the best of the mess.

We used to be able to judge who was going to do the best for the system and now we have to judge who will do the least harm.

Thank You, Theresa LaJoe!

I hope that this one goes down in history.

Maybe it was the spirit of the season.

Maybe the planets aligned.

Maybe it was just time.

Theresa LaJoe has been entering pageants as long as I have been around and she has always seemed so joyful and sincere but the title has never gone to her until last night.

I was not at the pageant but as I watched it unfold on facebook and saw the videos and saw that she won, I wish that I had the vocabulary to write the emotions that I felt to watch someone old enough to be their grandmother, live out her dream and WIN.

I will never have a crown, so thank you, Theresa LaJoe.

Thank you for not giving up on you dream.

Thank you for winning one for those of us that can't.

Welcome to your sisterhood.

Prepping for the State Pageant (USofA)

Now that all of the prelims for Oklahoma USofA are done, it is time to get ready for the state pageant. This is where the social media begins to catch fire and people start to scrutinize all of the qualified contestants. They start trying to handicap who has the best chances and I will be honest I am guilty of this, like any good strategist, I look and try to gauge the odds and let me tell you, I am better at calling the national pageants. Maybe the problem is that usually, the contestants are my friends at the state pageant and maybe I feel badly about trying to pick a winner.

So I decided to level the playing field.

This is USofA and ONE point often decides pageants (especially at the state level where the talent pool is smaller) so how do you come out on top?


MYTH- "You must do a HUGE production number with 12 dancers to win"

FACT: You do NOT need to do that. You do however have to entertain. You have to be realistic about your own drag and the kind of drag you like to watch. The worst thing in the world is watching someone get to state and do drag that is NOT them. The number one mistake that happens at pageants is to look like you are NOT having fun. If you look bored,angry, annoyed or scared, that is easily one point.

MYTH- "Her interview doesn't matter,she looks amazing in gown and her talent will be on point"

FACT- Interview does matter. It ALL matters. YOU HAVE TO SELL YOURSELF IN EVERY CATEGORY and let's face it, if I am not buying you in interview, and you cannot articulate yourself, I am going to be terrified to send you to prelims.


MYTH- "She is not fishy enough for USofA"

FACT: Every system has a certain aesthetic that they go for, but come on people, the highest standard you set for yourself is your look? Your illusion IS important but that is not all there is, and if that is all you are counting on, there are bigger problems


Get ready. People are going to eviscerate you. They are going to tell you to your face  that you are a shoo in and then to anyone else that will listen, they will talk about your makeup, your drag family, your body odor, your sex life and they will remember every single thing you did ('She never paid me back for gas money I lent her in 2009'; 'I heard she had 3 ads on Craigslist'; 'She was talking shit about her promoter').

They are going to hate you until you win and then they will love you in that moment. Then you spend a year proving that you won and every year you come back as a former, you have to remind them why you won.

They will talk about every outfit you wore, every number you did, every cocktail you had.

The issue is that we rest our hopes on the drag community on our title holders. We want you to accomplish everything so that we can make sure that this long, rich tradition continues. Those of us that love it and want to preserve it, WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU. We want you to succeed and if you do, we are your biggest fans. And if you don't, we will never let you forget. Not because we hate you but because we love this art form THAT MUCH.

I recognize that the fans are the problem. We think you OWE us, promoters think they OWN you and you are just trying to figure out who your character is and how to afford what all of this means to you.


So if you want to win, here is the best advice:

DO NOT LET IT CHANGE YOU.

Know yourself SO well, that it doesn't change you. That the fans, skeptics and promoters DO NOT CHANGE YOU. Don't let competition make you bitter, jaded or indifferent.

Always care.

Always smile

Always, DO YOU.

So You Think You Can Drag?

The next post in my series of drag competition is choosing a talent. I could give you a long ass post about how to do it to get points and how to conceptualize a talent from beginning to end (and maybe this post will be just that) but right now I want to start with something that people are afraid to say.

In order to win talent, you must have talent.

But what is talent, when 99% of the time everyone is lipsyncing? Is it dancing? Props? Costuming?

No.

 It can be those things but talent is actually something that you hear a lot. Talent is realness. Do I believe the story you are telling me with your selection?

I have noticed a pervasive attitude of what is a "winning talent". They get the right costumes, props, song, concept, dancers, and hit the stage.

And my reaction is...

If I don't buy the story you are telling, I will reward your effort but I cannot in good conscience reward you for an inability to  tell a story. It can't happen.

So what are some tips for picking a talent that you can use?

I love this image because you can see that there are steps and it is a process that keeps going around. You can always change it, always work on it.

1. Plan

• Who is the telling the story?
• What does this story say about YOU?
• If you choose to do something someone else has done, how are you going to tell this story differently?
• If everything fell apart  2 minutes before you went on stage, could you tell this story with just you?
• DO NOT MOVE ON UNTIL YOU HAVE ANSWERS TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS

2. Source

• Listen to the song over and over. Know it breath by breath
• make notes in your phone, on a piece of paper, wherever you can about every idea you have.
• get in touch with the person who does your mixes, choreography and costumes. Ask about their schedule. Or ask around if you want to try someone else.
• Make, schedule and KEEP appointments with people that you hire. Get a calendar.
• Make a list of who you talked to, what days and any quotes they have given you. Treat this like a business and keep meticulous records. You pay for services and this is YOUR business. You are the boss. Act like one.
• DO NOT MOVE ON UNTIL YOU HAVE  STARTED TAKING THIS JOURNEY SERIOUSLY

3. Develop

• This is the fun part. Every one wants to skip everything at the beginning and go right to this. But if you don't know how to get here, how will you execute this idea?
• Inform dancers, prop makers, EVERYONE THAT IS WORKING WITH YOU, about the story you are trying to tell. Get that notebook out and TAKE NOTES. Listen to their concerns about how to pull it off. 
• Be flexible. Adjust if you need to, it won't kill you to not have Cirque De So Gay in your talent.
• DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK. If you cannot see their vision, ask them to skecth it, find you a picture. They may think of something you haven't and it could be to your benefit.
• Pay on time. If you want your things delivered on time and to your satisfaction, grant them the same courtesy.
• Check in with them. Don't be annoying but a text message that says "How are things coming along?" or "Are there any issues I should be worried about?" is appropriate. 
• DO NOT MOVE ON UNTIL YOU HAVE ALL YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW

4. Retain

• practice
• practice
• get with the venue and get the stage dimensions. tape it off in a parking lot
• practice
• ask someone to come and watch it. Tell them the story you INTENDED to tell and then AFTER they see it, ask them if the story was consistent
• adjust
• practice
• adjust 
• practice
• practice
• ask someone different to come and watch it.
• adjust
• practice
• be consistent with your feedback to your team. Always be gracious for their help but do not be afraid to raise the bar.
• IF YOU HAVE PRACTICED LESS THAN 5 TIMES, YOU ARE NOT READY. PERIOD. 
• IF YOU HAVE NOT PRACTICED AT LEAST 3 TIMES THE DAY OF THE PAGEANT, YOU ARE NOT READY.

Congratulations! You are at the pageant! I hope you have a great experience. Because as you know we are all 

The Interview Curse

Interview is my favorite category to judge. I am a people person and I can tell as soon as someone walks in by their demeanor and bio if we can make a connection.

There really are not a lot of questions that you can ask in 7 minutes. Most judges get 1-2 questions. 

Why do you want to be Miss Gay blankety blank?

Why did you choose this system?

Who has been your biggest influence?

How will you manage your duties if you win?

What does it mean to you to be an symbol of excellence?

I am goimg to let you in a little secret. These questions get asked over and over again for the following reasons.

1. We want to know where you are in your comeptition journey
2. if we ask you all the same question, we have a better idea of who can articulate their dreams and their goals
3. We are able to see how you are able to communicate about the system
4. We want to know that you are responsible
5. We want to know who your influences are because I can tell if you are doing YOUR drag or their drag.

An interview category is a conversation. It is a group of people trying to decide that if someone asks you a question about the system or promoter, YOU CAN ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IF YOU CANNOT ANSWER THE QUESTIONS WE ASK YOU, YOU CANNOT ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT THE DAMN SYSTEM.

If you do not know how to snake a drain, do  you apply for a job as a plumber? No. That makes no sense. You might be the best entertainer in the whole world but people do not always remember your death drops but they will remember something nice that you said to them. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE. Why, as a promoter, would I invest tons of money for you to go to  the next level if every time I see you in person or on social media, you cannot put a sentence together. I don't care about a missing comma but I shouldn't have to call someone and ask them what you saying. 

I often am asked to help people with interview but I have to tell you, I want to cry when people ask me about that. I cannot help you learn to communicate. I just can't. Put down your text messages, turn to the person next to you and play 20 questions. Rewire your brain to listen to questions and answer them concisely and move on. 

Stop worrying about right answers and start worrying about BEING ABLE TO ANSWER.

WHERE DID ALL THE CONTESTANTS GO?

I realize that it has been some time since I decided to talk drag and pageants and and I thought, it was time to get people thinking about things. I spent the day talking about drag and in particular, competition/pageant drag and I have been thinking about the atmosphere of pageants in the state of Oklahoma.

I feel I need to add this disclaimer:

THIS IS MY OPINION. I DO NOT CARE IF YOU AGREE WITH ME.

However, after years of observing and participating in this community, I do feel qualified to at LEAST offer my opinion.

No matter the system, it seems that promoters are saying over and over again that they cannot get people to compete. City prelims get 2 contestants. Bar owners are disappointed because no one wants to go to a pageant that is being played out on social media. If you want to know what is going on, friend the right people and pics and videos will flood your feed. You can wear your Hello Kitty pj's and root for your girl and never leave the Candy Crush comfort of your home.

Just wait! The judges will weigh in too and so will everyone else! You can get all the gossip by 4AM. You didn't pay a dime, you saw the gown and the WHY DID SHE DO THAT MIX FOR TALENT WHEN SHE KNOWS THIS IS NOT USOFA????

Wait a few hours and you will wake up to the post of gratitude from the winner with 40 hashtags that make no sense.

Then as the season goes along, everyone starts to hedge bets on the winner, and camps become divided. People get pissed. There is one winner and a handful of losers and then the barrage of "SHADE", "MESS", "NEVER GOING BACK" starts. Wait two weeks because then there will be a host of "I really want to accomplish my dreams" posts.

All of this immediate notoriety and "celebrity" happens in front of all of us, it gives the wrong kind of attention, it reinforces the idea that showing up and showing out gets attention and deserves reward.

I am not going to condone this anymore. Not because I am over drag but because I am over the idea that affirming an attitude of entitlement is better than rewarding hard work. I LOVE MY COMMUNITY.

Promoters, if you want to know where your contestants are, ask your reigning titleholder. What have they done to encourage YOUR pageant, what has the state titleholder done? Have they explained the system? Have they prepared them for the categories? Do they understand the expectations? What is stopping them from competing? What are the misconceptions they have?

SHAME ON US.

Shame on us for not holding EVERYONE to a higher standard.

Shame on us for encouraging substandard competition and a fundamental lack of understanding of the systems.

We have diluted the talent pool. Not by having too many pageants but by accepting less than the best as our representatives. By revering rhinestones and not talent.

Drag to English: A look at the vernacular of my community.

When you are with your friends and there are lots of inside jokes, you forget the etymology things. You have always said things a certain way and so you don't think twice about how they got there and when yous started saying them.

I have been making my partner watch shows and movies that I think are important to understanding my love of pageant/competition drag. He has commented that it is strange to hear people talk the way he has heard my friends and I talk all the time. I often get asked to explain certain phrases so I thought it would be fun to do a couple of phrases you may have heard. I encourage you all to work these into everyday conversation. I will do this when I cannot think of anything else to write because frankly, I am at work and not even supposed to be blogging so I need to keep it brief.

BOOTS: Boots  has a few connotations. Let's use it in a sentence.

1. Did you see Bjork's dress? That was boots.

2. Girl, where did you get that hair? It is cute boots!

It can mean terrible or with the proper qualifier, can mean awesome.

Now you try.

Amy, this blog is boots.(terrible)

Amy loves to write about drag. She is smart boots.(awesome)

THE HOUSE: Ok, if you have not seen Paris Is Burning then stop what you are doing right now and go and watch it on Netflix right now! Shame on you if you haven't seen it!

If you have seen it, you are aware of the House Balls in NYC that quickly spread across the country.

 (I plan on doing an entire post about House Balls and House dynamic but right now, this is what you get)

Let's use "THE HOUSE" in a conversation.

"I am so glad that Madison won the pageant, she was lovely"

"Oh yes, THE HOUSE"

The House is one of the oldest and most important creations to the drag community. When performers didn't have biological family, their fellow performers became their family. There is usually a 'mother' who is the grande dame and takes younger entertainers under her wing. Siblings are fostered in. Some houses get really large and extended (WTH, didn't I say that this was going to be a separate post????????) while others stay intimate. 

When you respond with "The House", you are actually saying "The House is in agreement". 

If you all know of a drag family where the entire House agrees, please let me know.

Now you try.

"The Steelers sucked this season."

"THE HOUSE."

Next time we will discuss:

1. Turning the party.

2. Hard as a brick.

3. Cracked face.

Gossip: The Nickel and Dimes of Drag

I think the one thing that everyone hates is someone who is rude. What purpose does it serve? Does it prove your humanity? No, you dumb ass, it actually makes you look dumb as shit.

When I heard that at a function last night that a current National Titleholder was tipped a nickel by former promoters of drag,  I was furious. Who does that? People with no class? Obviously. Was that a statement about what you think that queen is worth? Even if you don't like someone's style, taste, song selection, clothes or what have you, they are WORTH something. 

Drag is a business. It is a small business with one employee, the performer. Like most small business owners, the performers start with some seed money, will work long hours, take the first money they make and reinvest it in their business. 

Let's break down the cost for someone who is FIRST starting drag.

Pantyhose: 5.00/pair- most starting out wear 3-5 pairs..............................total 15.00-25.00

Girdle: 25.00 for just the waist..................................................................total 25.00

Bra: 18.00-30.00 depending on size and style...........................................total 26.00 (average)

Foam: (for body shaping dependent on size and needs 10.00-15.00..........total 20.00-30.00

Outfits: If you are lucky and can get off the rack........................................total 20.00-40.00

Jewelry: borrowed....................................................................................total 0.00

Makeup: borrowed...................................................................................total 0.00

Most of the performers just starting out will not have access to the jewelry that other queens do, so they will borrow that. Also, drag makeup takes practice and most will ask a friend to "paint" them the first few times.

Let's look at the low end, It takes 136.00 to step out on stage. For one number. This doesn't include time it takes to shop, get ready and practice. Do you think your time is worth something? I bet you do when you get your paycheck. If you had a second number you need another outfit, so let's add another 20.00. 156.00 to do two numbers. 

Oh! But wait! We haven't added in your shoes, or the cost to download the song, CD's to burn your music, glue for your eyebrows, or hair!

You are a new queen so you can only get a booking at an open mic night, this means, that you will, on average, make 5.00-10.00 in tips for your effort. 

I guess, if you are lucky, you might make an extra nickel.

What in the hell does a real girl know about drag?

This question gets asked a lot when I tell people that I am involved in the drag community. There are lots of reasons I could list and explain my 30+ years of performing in theater, dance etc but really all it takes to know a lot about drag is to love it.

It started in a small town in Oklahoma where there was only one gay bar. I heard everyone asking who was going to win Miss Lawton. As a true Southern girl who avidly watched pageants on television, I assumed that people were talking about real girls. I was shocked and fascinated to learn that it was Miss Gay Lawton. Drag queens competed at a local level to try to go on to be Miss Gay Oklahoma. Imagine my surprise when I found out that if they won there, they got to go to MISS GAY AMERICA.

SHUT UP. SERIOUSLY???

My interest was piqued. I decided to go to more drag shows and see exactly if I could figure out how all this worked. I went to local pageants, rooted for my favorites and decided to try to go to a state pageant. I went to the final night of Miss Gay Oklahoma one year and watched as Adrianna won. It was an interesting night and I decided that I needed to know more. I was hooked.

The next week, I was bartending on a show night when the legendary Tillie Laine told me that this was the tip of the iceberg. She explained the different competition systems to me and I started to stalk all the websites devoted to pageant drag. I religiously read, defended and learned everything I could. I went to as many pageants as I could and watched some legendary performances.

A few years of this went by and I was asked to 'mock judge' a pageant. This meant that I would do everything a regular judge would do but that my scores wouldn't count. It was just to get a feel for what it would be like. When two judges didn't show, I got thrown in the Lion's Den and became a judge on the spot. I haven't looked back. I regularly judge, coach, run and promote pageants. What the hell does this mean?

This means that although I have ovaries, drag queens respect me and my opinion when it comes to their art. This is a responsibility I do not take lightly. They do this as a living. They invest copious amounts of money, time and energy to create their persona.

So why do I love drag?

to be honest, I love ANYTHING that fucks with gender. Drag queens are an exaggerated representation of femininity and feminist bad-ass-ery. They say, do, wear and look like women have been conditioned NOT TO BE, they think more is more, they don't want anyone telling them who they can or can't be, they channel divas or yesteryear and bring to life female sexual energy by making you forget that it is a man in a dress.

As an overly made up, feminist, queer, sex positive femme, THEY ARE MY PEEPS.

Why a blog dedicated to this?

Let's be frank, no one really wants to blog about this, it will be fun when I gossip, it will hard to read when I am honest, but I also think it is necessary. It is important to document what is often misconstrued as a farce or comical part of the queer community. I assure you it isn't.

I will start with my opinions about Season 5 of RuPaul's Drag Race because this season has some connections to the pageant world that I know and also because it is fun to play armchair quarterback about a show where everyone talks like you and with people you have actually given money to...

I will talk about pageants, discuss the language that is part of the culture of drag and I will break down competitions and if I am not involved in the pageant, I will offer predictions.

If I am asked to judge or help a contestant, I will not discuss or disclose those experiences until after I am done, I am not interested in jeopardizing a 10+ year reputation as a part of the community.

Since pageant season is under way, there will be lots of posts. I hope you all enjoy my take and look forward to those that disagree reading me for filth.